|
|
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 
|
Your older child sometimes knocks her little brother over, trying to beat him to your lap. And lately you've noticed that your younger child is reacting by slugging his older sister back. What's going on here?
YOUR FIRSTBORN: The Trailblazer It's not easy being number one. As the oldest, your child will receive certain privileges and face many challenges. The upside. Your firstborn basked in the warmth of your undivided attention. As you oohed and ahed over everything she did, she gained a good feeling about herself. And through her relationship with her younger sibling, she learns to share, to nurture a younger child, and to be in charge. The downside. As first-time parents, you may be so anxious and intent on doing your job well that you pressure your youngster to succeed at all she does, critiquing her every step of the way. As a result, your firstborn child can end up feeling that she will be valued only if she performs well. And she may constantly seek your approval. How it plays out. After your second child is born, your firstborn, who was the family's center of attention, is suddenly told, "Wait a minute," or "I can't read to you now because the baby needs me." To a firstborn, the time that you spend caring for the baby means that there's less attention and love for her. She may try to win back your attention by starting arguments with you, outrunning her younger sibling to your lap, or talking nonstop on the way to school. Young children employ these particular attention-getters because they lack the verbal skills needed to express their feelings more positively. And besides, from your firstborn's perspective, any attention is better than none. In addition, jealousy is a big factor because everyone seems to find the baby so cute and marvels at him when he begins talking. Your firstborn does not remember that she was applauded for the same achievement or equate the attention the baby is getting with the praise she still receives. So she competes hard to remain number one. She criticizes her sib's abilities ("You're telling the story all wrong"), diminishes his accomplishments ("I can jump higher!"), belittles his possessions ("That's a dumb car"), and may trip him if he starts catching up with her in a race. Of course, younger sibs do give older sibs some legitimate reasons for getting upset. Once your younger child begins to crawl, he is constantly getting in his older sister's way. At times she'll just abandon an activity when her little brother becomes too bothersome; other times she might also pinch him or try to slam the door in his face. Without meaning to, you might even add some fuel to your children's antagonisms. When you assign wisdom to a certain age ("You should know better") or grant the younger child certain privileges that were denied the older one at the same age (getting to watch cartoons in the afternoon), it's no wonder that "It's not fair!" becomes your firstborn's favorite battle cry. What You Can Do Now that you have identified your firstborn's hot spots, try these troubleshooting tips: Break out the photo album. Spend some time together looking over your firstborn's baby photos. Your child will see for herself that you gave her the same loving care the baby gets now. Explain: "When you were a baby, you were alone with Mommy and Daddy, and we gave you all of our attention. Then your brother was born, and you had to share us with him. It's not easy sharing your parents' love. Sometimes children may feel sad and angry. But we have enough love for both of you, and you can always talk to us about how you are feeling." See her side of things. When your child says, "It's not fair that you make his bed, not mine," be supportive. Tell her, "I can see why it seems unfair, but young children have a hard time making their bed. When you were your brother's age, I made the bed for you, too." The most important thing is not that you give in to your child's demands, but that she feels understood. Respect her privacy. Explain to your firstborn that her younger brother follows her everywhere because he looks up to her. Suggest that she tell him, "I need my privacy," and come to you if she needs help. Also encourage your younger child to give his older sister some space, and set up family rules, such as "You must knock before you enter." An off-limits box in which your older child can store her most prized possessions is also a good solution. Show unconditional love. Finally, praise your child frequently ("I like the way you sat quietly at the table") and be supportive when she misses the ball ("It's hard to catch a ball. Let's try again"). Analyze your behavior to see if you are trying to feel good about yourself through your child's accomplishments. (See "How Your Birth Order Affects Your Parenting Style," below.) You may be putting undue pressure on your youngster to succeed. YOUR LAST-BORN: The Charmer Being the baby has its advantages and disadvantages. The upside. Your last-born enjoys his role as the youngest (and boy, does he know how to use his baby charm!). He also benefits from having an older sibling to learn from. She will teach him how to make bubbles and help him get used to going to school. Having a peer to relate to from the get-go, your last-born develops important social skills early on. Because you also have less time to scrutinize your youngest child, he feels less pressure. As a result, your youngest is probably more relaxed and easygoing than your oldest. The downside. As the parents of two or more children, you may be squeezed for time and preoccupied with the needs of your growing family. Your last-born may get lost in the shuffle as a result. Your younger child also struggles with the painful awareness that he does not measure up to his older sibling. His big sister can read and do cartwheels; he can't. He doesn't know that the reason for this is their age difference. Instead he concludes that he is inadequate. He may develop a negative self-image and worry that he is less loved than his more capable older sibling. His big sister's constant put-downs ("You're stupid") and the fact that his parents frequently applaud his older sib's accomplishments enhance these negative feelings. How it plays out. The fear that he is less valued than his older sibling can cause your last-born to become an underachiever at school or drive him to compete excessively with his peers. Your younger child may also get jealous when you talk about your firstborn's first day of school or resent his sibling's special privileges, such as having the larger bedroom. Despite this, your last-born wants to be with his older sibling every minute of the day. But he often feels rejected by his older sib. Your younger child tries to win her over by imitating her or siding with her when she battles Mommy or Daddy. When all else fails, he resorts to negative behavior, like running off with her favorite book. There are other times when your last-born feels angry at his older sibling. She always gets the best crayons when the two of them are drawing or puts the last block on the tower that they're building. But anger can put a last-born at risk. If he yells at or hurts his older sister, she retaliates tenfold. And if he flings a forkful of mashed potatoes across the dinner table when he feels ignored, you reprimand or punish him and he feels even more abandoned and enraged. As a result, he may begin to hold his anger in or act out in subtle ways, such as "accidentally" knocking over his sister's doll collection. What You Can Do Here's how you can keep your last-born from feeling second best: Focus on his achievements. Praise your youngest when he is able to do new things, such as tie his shoes or drink from a big-kid cup, and make a fuss over him when his drawing receives a star at school. Explain that your firstborn can do harder things because she is older. He will be able to do as much when he is the same age. Avoid babying your last-born. Otherwise, he may grow up sitting back and waiting for others to take care of him. Give your last-born a chore he can handle, such as folding napkins or getting the newspaper. Age-appropriate tasks will make him feel more capable and confident of his abilities. And instead of intervening every time there is a conflict, encourage your younger child to stand up for himself by saying, "It's my turn to be first." But be on the alert to jump in the minute the older one becomes too critical or bossy or resorts to physical force. Help your youngest to feel included. Explain that older children often take over conversations because they can think quicker and talk faster. Then teach your last-born to speak up for himself by saying, "I feel left out." You can also help him feel included by inviting a friend of his over when his older sibling has a playdate. Or give him his own notebook to doodle in when you are helping your oldest with her homework. YOUR MIDDLE CHILD: The People Pleaser When there are three kids in the family, the middle-born occupies a tricky position with its own set of issues. The upside. Your middle child benefits from being both an older and a younger sibling. He has an older sib who can show him how to do big-kid things, and at the same time, the middle child gets to act as a leader for the younger one. Dealing with both sibs can help him to become a good negotiator and get along well with others. The downside. As with your firstborn, your younger child feels displaced when another sibling is born and he becomes the middle child. He feels sad and angry about all the attention the youngest one gets. Because he's not the oldest or the youngest, he may wonder if he's special. How it plays out. Your middle child is racing to catch up with his older sibling and also desperate to stay ahead of the younger one who is breathing down his neck. As a younger sib, your child feels inadequate in relation to his older sister because she can do more and she lets him know it. And he feels competitive with his little sister, who is busy watching him so she can eventually do whatever he does. He's angry that his older sib gets to stay up later than him and resentful that he always gets asked to watch the baby. What You Can Do Here's how you can help your middle child feel more secure: Help him draw some boundaries. If your middle child is trying to get attention by being too much of a people pleaser, help him build a stronger sense of himself. Be sure to ask his opinions and encourage his interests. Spending time alone with him will also help him feel valued and loved. Make your child a part of the solution. Encourage your middle child to tell you when he needs attention. When you can't immediately meet this need, support him by saying, "I know it's hard for you to wait." Then invite him to help you solve the problem: "You want me to play with you, and your sister has to eat. What should we do?" He'll feel better when he can help come up with a compromise. Sympathize with his situation. Tell him that you understand how hard it can be to share your attention with a baby. Commiserate with him, too, about having an older sib who is always involved in trying new things. Reassure him that you will support his new ventures in the same way. By keeping birth-order issues in mind, you can build a family that draws strength and pleasure from one another. It may be hard to imagine on days when the kids are fighting like archenemies, but it can be done. Now you've got the keys to unlock your family's toughest sibling troubles! 5 Ways to Keep the Peace 1. Be accepting of your youngster's jealousy. Tell him that when he is jealous of an older or younger sibling, he can tell you how he's feeling. Otherwise your child may repress his resentment and feel bad inside or act out his jealousy by misbehaving. 2. Help your child to connect his angry emotions to his behavior. Show him that there are other ways to feel better ("You were feeling left out so you started a fight with your younger sister. Next time tell me, 'I need attention too,' and I'll help you"). 3. Avoid comparing your kids. For instance, if you tell your firstborn, "Your little sister will go in the water; why won't you?" or use labels, such as "our oldest is the brain," you'll set the stage for unhealthy competition between your children. 4. Treat your children as equitably as possible. This means involving each of them in family tasks. And whenever possible, make impartial statements. Say, "It's important to sit quietly in the car," rather than blaming the oldest for the ruckus. 5. When your kids are arguing, put their dilemma into words for them. Say: "You both want to be the leader of the parade. Now what can we do about that?" Usually your kids will come up with a solution you have taught them, such as taking turns.
Meri Wallace, a child and family therapist, is the author of Birth Order Blues (Henry Holt) and the founder of the Heights Center for Adult and Child Development in Brooklyn. E-mail this URL to a friend |
 |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
 |
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| Sesame Workshop: |
Home |About Us | Join |
Privacy |
Site Map |
Sesame Store Sesame Beginnings | Parents | Fun To-Go | Sticker World | Passport Kids |
| Copyright 1998-2007 Sesame Workshop. Terms of Use. |
