Sesame Workshop - Tragic Times, Healing Words


		Children & Media Friends & Family Stress & Fears

Tragic Times, Healing Words

Helping children cope.
by Sesame Workshop Education and Research Division

• En Español

Updated October 23, 2001

It's never easy to know what to say to children in times like these. We have developed some suggestions for ways of talking to your child about the recent events.

Also in This Update:

What to Say When Your Child Cries, "I'm Scared!"
When to Seek Professional Advice
Suggestions For Books You Can Read With Your Child

Acknowledge that bad things happen.
First, it is important to tell the truth and acknowledge that bad things do happen. If preschoolers do not ask questions, they do not need to be told about the recent events. If they are exposed to the event say that they are safe with you and that good people are in charge. If your older child asks questions, explain what happened and use words to describe the events based on what you feel he can handle. Being honest is important in maintaining your child's trusting relationship with you and other adults.

Reassure your child that your family is secure and stay in close contact.
Children need to be reassured that their parents and caretakers have this situation under control. In times like these, it's important to maintain close contact with your children. Reassure them that everyone in your family is OK and tell them that you—their parents and caregivers—will keep them safe. Hugs help too! Your children may be clingy or more in need of attention than at other times. That's OK. Try to spend time with them and be reassuring about your presence and their safety.

Listen to your child in each and every way.
Your child may express her feelings through actions rather than words. For example, a child may develop a new fear of loud noises or be less interested in playing with other children. Acknowledge children's feelings. When talking to your child about the events it is important to remember that all children are different and that your goal is to be patient, understanding, reassuring, and accepting of children's feelings. Some children may have shown few emotional reactions and many may not ask any questions about the events. Others will bounce in and out of feelings of grief or worry. If you have a very young child who does not appear to be impacted by the event, she should not be given information about the events. However, if you have an older child, or a young child who does have questions or concerns, you can help her by giving simple answers that are appropriate to her age.

Try to keep a normal routine.
Children will fare better if life is as stable and predictable as possible. To the degree possible, stick to your usual schedules and routines. Teachers, relatives, and other adult friends can help children by being available to them. This will help children to keep calm and restore their sense of safety.

Limit exposure to news media.
Preschoolers should be shielded from exposure to the events. Try to turn off your television and radio when they are close by, and limit their exposure to newspaper images and other media sources. Such images are frightening and may cause nightmares and/or be confusing. If you are unable to prevent your young child from seeing media depictions, help her to discern the reality of what is being depicted. For example, she may think that the bombing is taking place in our country, or that a lot more than two planes crashed into the World Trade Center if she repeatedly saw the coverage replay.

Learn about and understand people from different cultures or countries.
Help children develop empathy by exposing them to other people's point of views and helping them learn to identify with people they see as different from themselves.

Point out that good things can come out of the bad things that happen.
In addition to reassuring your child that his environment is secure, he can be given the message that sometimes good things can come out of bad events. Look for stories in the news to tell your child about the heroes that are in his world. For example, the firefighters who have helped out with the World Trade Center tragedy or the high level of volunteerism in New York. Also the Government has allocated money and is trying to drop food to the refugees in Afghanistan.

Give your child the opportunity to help others.
Helping others is a wonderful way to help children maintain a sense of control and realize that one person can make a difference. Ask children what they would like to do to help out. Children intuitively know what they would like to do, from making red, white, and blue ribbons for neighbors to selling lemonade to raise money for the World Trade Center Relief Fund.

Share your feelings.
Children look to adults for their reaction. With a school age child, you can talk about your own fear and sadness. Knowing that you have similar feelings will legitimize your child's own feelings. However, it is important to manage your reactions because anxiety can be contagious. Although this is a sad and stressful time for all of us, it will not be helpful for your child to see you unravel. Spend time together engaged in soothing activities such as holding hands, singing songs, taking a walk, or sharing a cup of hot chocolate. Age-specific suggestions for how to talk to your child are given below.

What to Say When Your Child Cries, "I'm Scared!"
AT...	BEGIN TALKING...	SAY TO YOUR CHILD...	FOLLOW UP BY...
2 years and below	Only if your child asks a question. Most likely you won't need to take this step, because toddlers are usually too young to grasp what is happening in the news.	"Mommy and Daddy love you, and we'll keep you safe." Because: If they ask at all, toddlers are more interested in how these events affect their world. Details may just frighten them.	Shielding your child from the news. For instance, don't watch TV during dinner; wait until your child is asleep to watch the news. If you have a caregiver, make sure he or she observes the same rules; ask your caregiver to keep you informed if your child happens to overhear something.
3 to 5 years	If your preschooler asks questions about what he may have inadvertently seen on TV (via news bulletins that interrupt children's programming, for instance) or heard from older kids at the playground. But don't bring the events to your child's attention unless you know he's aware of it.	"It's OK to feel angry, but we need to use words to say we are sad or mad." Because preschoolers are just beginning to learn how to handle their emotions. Use this moment as an opportunity to teach them how to express their fright, sadness, confusion or anger in a healthy way.	If you are watching the news, make sure that your preschooler is in another room watching age-appropriate programming. Stay close to home for the next few days as young kids feel more comfortable knowing their parents are near. If your child has trouble expressing himself but is clearly upset by what he has seen on TV, invite him to sit and draw with you about what he has seen. Then discuss the emotions apparent in the pictures: "Tell me about what you drew."
6 to 11 years	As soon as you can, because older children have probably already seen something on TV or gotten wind of it through other kids.	"Have you heard about what happened in New York City and Washington, DC?" or, "Have your teachers talked about the events taking place in Central and South Asia?" Because: It's best to start with a question to find out how much your child knows and begin from there. Your child's answer may also give you a clue as to what she is really concerned about.	Showing your child that people are not powerless. Point out how many people are volunteering to give blood and help in any way they can. Suggest that your youngster write letters to children who might have been affected. Perhaps your family can donate money, clothing or supplies through the Red Cross http://www.redcross.org, the New York Firefighters Disaster Relief Fund http://www.iaff.org or the Salvation Army http://www.salvationarmy.org. Encourage your children to do creative activities such as writing a song or making a drawing that promotes world tolerance or making peace doves out of paper. Use stories from history that reflect how people triumphed in difficult times such as The Sound of Music or share family member's personal stories.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your family was directly affected by the terrorist attacks or if a parent is in the military, we recommend that you talk with a professional to help your child deal with troubling feelings he may be having.

Some parents may be concerned about their child developing post-traumatic stress disorder. Your child may want to sleep in your bed, have nightmares, or develop new fears. It is normal for children to express their fears in these ways (another way children's feelings are expressed is through play). Because children tend to experience things more intensely than adults do, a strong reaction does not necessarially mean they are psychologically troubled. Your child may need extra help to get through this ordeal if any of the following continue for more than one month: nightmares, new fears, shock, anxiety, helplessness, sleeplessness, regression, or depression. If you notice that your child is overly aggressive or withdrawn, you may want to consider professional help. Children who have experienced a past traumatic event (for example being abused, bullied, or experiencing a death of a family member) are particularly at risk for trauma related stress.

• For more advice about how to talk to kids, go to a Special Update by Sesame Workshop on pbskids.org, or see the Sesame Family Newsletter, "Reacting to Tragedy."

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